Layers of Relationship
Here, I posit that the current state of any relationship you hold with another person (irrespective of whether it is at home, work, community etc.), is determined by elements in two underlying layers.
If those layers are on the positive side, you get to a happy current state. If those layers are on the negative side, you get to an unhappy current state. Note that I use positive/negative in the sense of it helping you reach the current state that is to your liking/not, not necessarily that it is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for you.
The illustration below should help you comprehend it, but since I will feel bad to not have completed a certain quota of words for a blog post, I will elaborate more after the picture below.
On the positive side, if you both (you & the person with whom you share a relationship) have common goals, and hold common views of how to lead a life, that helps you get to the current state (you like). If there are more subconscious things, that would work too. If you find them attractive in whatever sense (evolutionary, cultural etc.), that would help you get to the current state indeed. I suspect they indirectly influence your common goals too.
On the negative side, if you both (you & the person with whom you share a relationship) have basic disagreements on how to lead a life, the values you cherish etc., that helps you get to the current state (you dislike). If there are more subconscious things, that would work too. If you find them repulsive in whatever sense (evolutionary, cultural etc.), that would help you get to the current state indeed. I suspect they indirectly influence your disagreements too.
I don’t know if there is any ‘stronger’ effect of one layer over another, but FWIW, I marked them in pale/strong colors.
Okay, finally something you can’t directly get from the picture:
Many of these elements, like the ‘Common Goals, Values, or even the Basic instincts, wouldn’t remain the same throughout your life. They keep changing through your life as you move from one life stage to another, one project to another, one enemy to another, and so on. This means that the state of your relationship also keeps changing over time, from one of like-to-dislike, or dislike-to-like.
Now, a few things for you to explore:
- I believe this framework can extend to group relationships too (say, political parties in a coalition, nations working with/against each other etc.).
- I suspect a bit of future expectations also play a role here. When you expect you to have common goals in the future, that might reduce the impact of whatever annoys you now, and reduce the dislike to hold for the other person.
- We haven’t explored “need” here. On the green side, in L+1, you could include “need”. When you “need” the other person, that makes you like them. However, the “need” is likely not common. i.e., you need the other person or the other person doesn’t need you. How will the current state be influenced by this, assuming the “current state” is a common one, and not separate for each of you.
- Does the fact that came up with this framework classify me as a bona fide philosopher?
